Jelly beans are evil.
I innocently bought a big tub of Jelly Bellies. I have three children, three baskets, I need a lot of jelly beans.
Yes, I still do baskets even though my “children” are 20, 17 and 14. Don’t judge.
I bought them, I planned ahead and patted myself on the back. Then a couple of nights ago I was up late, I was writing. Writing is hard work and I was a little grumpy. The only things remotely yummy in the kitchen were almond butter and some blueberries that looked iffy.
The house was quite, everyone was asleep. I had just written what I thought were a pretty good group of sentences. I leaned back in my chair and that’s when I remembered the beans. I swear they smiled at me, dared me through that plastic bucket. I looked around, kind of like a spy, but more ridiculous.
I picked up the container and started to twist the lid. I told myself, like any good crack addict, that I would just have a few, just a small hit. As I took the lid off, I was saved.
There was a seal on the container. You can’t break a seal. Then it’s harder to just take a few and put it all back nice.
If the seal is broken the jig is up, the deed is done. I sighed, screwed the lid back on, turned away from the evil beans, and went back to work.
Less that an hour later, I reached a stopping point. I’d done some good work for the night and then I remembered I still had an episode of The Good Wife to watch on iTunes. I got a cup of tea and started the show. It would be a forty minute escape, a reward for my hard work and then I would go to bed.
As Alicia started to cry because stupid Will had to die, I felt the need for something. It was emotional and sad and I needed…the evil beans beckoned.
I looked over my shoulder, they assured me no one could see the seal. “Besides,” they all said, “you’re an adult, if you want a yummy snack, you should have one.” The beans told me they were low fat and that I had spin in the morning. They promised they would stop calling to me after a couple of small handfuls, a serving.
Seal came off, four handfuls (like the size of Shrek), were consumed that night and now I can’t stop. I’m almost to the half way mark of the container and I can no longer feel the roof of my mouth.
Last night I looked at the label on the tub and matched up the flavors as I ate them, like it was a game. I have these headaches and I brush my teeth twice before bed just to chisel off the sugar.
The evil beans won. The seal tried to save me, but I wouldn’t listen and now…now, I’m on the dark side. I’ll have to spin until Easter to keep my ass intact and there aren’t enough beans for the baskets now.
I mean there might be, but once you hit the half way mark, you might as well finish, right?
My thoughts from the laundry room. Do Not Eat Before Bed.
crazy life Easter food humor stupidity Easter eating food fun jelly beans laughter life women Writing
Hilarious! While jelly beans aren’t my thing, I have the same reaction to Girl Scout cookies, thin mints in particular. No apologies, my lady, chew on without remorse!
Maggie and I were just commenting on Thin Mints. I’m partial to them in the freezer, but they’re on the banned list. I’m past the half way mark now with the beans, so I will chew on. Thanks for reading.
I play the flavor matching game too! It’s awesome.
Hahaha. It is, but such a trap. There are 49 flavors. Thanks for reading and eating.
I love it! I might have broken into the Easter candy as well. Thanks for the reminder that I need to go replace it before I need to make a basket!
You’re so welcome. Make sure you throw out (hide) the empty bags. Ha! Thanks for reading.
This is seriously the funniest thing I have read in a while! “The deed is done” “Like a spy, but more ridiculous” “As I took the lid off I was saved”…OMG good stuff. And I am mourning the loss of Will too. I’m not over it yet. But I’m loving how Alicia is coming back to life because of his death. ooohh…that was deep! I’m a Good Wife addict 🙂
I am taking solace it both Diane and Alicia’s badass routines, but when she finally fell into bed and was under the covers. It reminded me of the flashbacks he always had of the two of them under the covers, but he was gone. So sad and how about the scene with her husband (I don’t like him.)? The “We’re all we’ve got” speech? Yikes! I’m hoping the show will just get better, but I loved Will with Alicia. So nice to meet a fellow Good Wife lover. Thanks for reading and the compliment.
wait, Will died?? wow, I haven’t watched the Good Wife in years and he’s dead??! whoa.
Ooops! Yes, sadly Will is dead. He was shot in a courtroom no less. I’m clearly still in mourning. Thanks for reading.
I’ve had to chisel the sugar off of my own teeth more than once. Jelly beans, like gummy bears make their own special kind of tummy ache too.
The Bears!! Yes, they are already on the banned list. The tummy ache is so real. I’m sure it’s our bodies way of saying, “What the hell is this stuff?” Thanks for reading and your comments.
Gah, breaking the seal. I have that rule too.
It’s such a good rule…usually:) Thanks for reading.
Jelly beans are dangerous to me. I just can’t stop. I even start hoarding discount bags the day after Easter. So, I feel your pain.
Hahaha. I have never thought of that…half off bags. Oh, I would be doomed. Thanks for reading and relating.
oh yeah. never ever break the seal. if you do, it’s over.
I know, I know. Hahahaha. So weak. Thanks for reading and commenting.
found you on the YW grid. and my problem is ice cream. unfortunately never a seal on that. 🙂
I swear when ice cream is in the freezer it sings. You can never forget that it’s there until it’s all gone. That’s true, there isn’t a seal, no first line of defense. And then there’s Ben and Jerry…you can’t eat half of that little container. Ha! Thanks for reading and your ice cream confession.
Very funny! Jelly beans and candy corn do the same thing for me. And yes, I too continue to fill Easter baskets for my almost-grown and college-age children (and one tweener – I’m hanging on tight to him!)
Candy corn is on the banned list already. Those guys are vicious and they leave that film in your mouth. Yay! I’m so glad you still do baskets too. Thanks for reading, Barb.
Reblogged this on maddhineshthoughts and commented:
remember this man!
Oh loved it! And the picture you chose to illustrate matches the scenario to perfection!
Thank you. Mr. Bean is pretty sinister. Ha!
Oh, gee, thanks. It’s 2:26 AM here and, despite the stress-induced insomnia that woke me up half an hour ago, I’d managed to sit here at the keyboard without even THINKING about the goodies in the pantry, all of whom are now calling my name. Loudly. Thanks a bunch, laundry Lady!
They are the loudest in the middle of the night. Ah, so sorry. Hope there wasn’t too much damage.
I’m sitting here laughing and tears are rolling down my face! Evil jelly beans be gone. You are right- once you’re in half way, might as well finish. Funny as hell! Loved it!
Well, since you said it was okay, I’ll see what I can do about the rest. Thank you for reading and laughing.
The way you described not being able to feel the top of your mouth? Alas, I know exactly what you mean.
Found your blog from the yeah write weekly writing challenge (http://yeahwrite.me/writing-challenge-157/).
Hahahaha. Nice to know I’m not alone in my self inflicted pain. Thanks for reading and commiserating. Huh, I looked at that link. How did I get on Yeah Write?
Someone must have thought you would be a good fit and suggested your post to the editors. Hope you get many lovely visitors.
That’s so nice. Looks like a great site.
Wow, you just wrote my life story! The jelly beans always win!
They’re ruthless. I knew about the peanut M&Ms, they are not allowed in the house, but these guys are just as bad. Hahaha. Thanks for reading, Maggie.
oh yes, peanut m & m’s…definitely another one. Oh, and thin mint girl scout cookies 🙂
Thin mints…in the freezer. Huge no-no. 🙂