Pastel Colors

Jelly beans are evil.

I innocently bought a big tub of Jelly Bellies.  I have three children, three baskets, I need a lot of jelly beans.

Yes, I still do baskets even though my “children” are 20, 17 and 14.  Don’t judge.

I bought them, I planned ahead and patted myself on the back.  Then a couple of nights ago I was up late, I was writing. Writing is hard work and I was a little grumpy.  The only things remotely yummy in the kitchen were almond butter and some blueberries that looked iffy.

The house was quite, everyone was asleep.  I had just written what I thought were a pretty good group of sentences.  I leaned back in my chair and that’s when I remembered the beans.  I swear they smiled at me, dared me through that plastic bucket.  I looked around, kind of like a spy, but more ridiculous.

I picked up the container and started to twist the lid.  I told myself, like any good crack addict, that I would just have a few, just a small hit.  As I took the lid off, I was saved.

A seal.

There was a seal on the container.  You can’t break a seal.  Then it’s harder to just take a few and put it all back nice.

If the seal is broken the jig is up, the deed is done.  I sighed, screwed the lid back on, turned away from the evil beans, and went back to work.

Less that an hour later, I reached a stopping point.  I’d done some good work for the night and then I remembered I still had an episode of The Good Wife to watch on iTunes.  I got a cup of tea and started the show.  It would be a forty minute escape, a reward for my hard work and then I would go to bed.

As Alicia started to cry because stupid Will had to die, I felt the need for something.  It was emotional and sad and I needed…the evil beans beckoned.

I looked over my shoulder, they assured me no one could see the seal.  “Besides,” they all said, “you’re an adult, if you want a yummy snack, you should have one.”  The beans told me they were low fat and that I had spin in the morning.  They promised they would stop calling to me after a couple of small handfuls, a serving.

Seal came off, four handfuls (like the size of Shrek), were consumed that night and now I can’t stop.  I’m almost to the half way mark of the container and I can no longer feel the roof of my mouth.

Last night I looked at the label on the tub and matched up the flavors as I ate them, like it was a game.  I have these headaches and I brush my teeth twice before bed just to chisel off the sugar.

The evil beans won.  The seal tried to save me, but I wouldn’t listen and now…now,  I’m on the dark side.  I’ll have to spin until Easter to keep my ass intact and there aren’t enough beans for the baskets now.

I mean there might be, but once you hit the half way mark, you might as well finish, right?

My thoughts from the laundry room.  Do Not Eat Before Bed.

crazy life Easter food humor stupidity

38 Comments Leave a comment

    • Maggie and I were just commenting on Thin Mints. I’m partial to them in the freezer, but they’re on the banned list. I’m past the half way mark now with the beans, so I will chew on. Thanks for reading.

  1. This is seriously the funniest thing I have read in a while! “The deed is done” “Like a spy, but more ridiculous” “As I took the lid off I was saved”…OMG good stuff. And I am mourning the loss of Will too. I’m not over it yet. But I’m loving how Alicia is coming back to life because of his death. ooohh…that was deep! I’m a Good Wife addict 🙂

    • I am taking solace it both Diane and Alicia’s badass routines, but when she finally fell into bed and was under the covers. It reminded me of the flashbacks he always had of the two of them under the covers, but he was gone. So sad and how about the scene with her husband (I don’t like him.)? The “We’re all we’ve got” speech? Yikes! I’m hoping the show will just get better, but I loved Will with Alicia. So nice to meet a fellow Good Wife lover. Thanks for reading and the compliment.

  2. Very funny! Jelly beans and candy corn do the same thing for me. And yes, I too continue to fill Easter baskets for my almost-grown and college-age children (and one tweener – I’m hanging on tight to him!)

  3. Oh, gee, thanks. It’s 2:26 AM here and, despite the stress-induced insomnia that woke me up half an hour ago, I’d managed to sit here at the keyboard without even THINKING about the goodies in the pantry, all of whom are now calling my name. Loudly. Thanks a bunch, laundry Lady!

  4. I’m sitting here laughing and tears are rolling down my face! Evil jelly beans be gone. You are right- once you’re in half way, might as well finish. Funny as hell! Loved it!

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