Lately, I need something. I do not know what it is.

I suppose I should panic and search, but I’ve done that before. It usually ends with needless accumulation.

So, I’m sitting in the need. Letting the void swirl around me in the hope that if I spend enough time with it, I will learn and maybe figure it out.

It occurs to me this morning that it could take months, a year maybe. How long am I willing to entertain need without throwing something, anything, at it?

I’m never going to be a patient person. But holding is surprisingly active.

Doing nothing is something.

When my children were little, they played Mario Cart. I have snippet memories of cars and stuff falling on the cartoon road. The characters avoided crashing or grabbed shiny objects that propelled them forward.

There was a bit of looking ahead, but the game was mostly reacting to things that happened. Dodging and frenzied choices.

I wonder if we are taught right now and do something from an early age. If it feels wrong, fix it. If you’re sad, confused, or anything other than jellybeans and rainbows you need to make a choice.

I am quick. Call it spontaneous when it works out or stupid when I face plant, but I don’t hem or haw, ever.

Even now, I’m not mulling anything over or on the fence. I’ve stopped. It’s different, and I’m kind of digging it.

I’m not fixing, not choosing. I am seeing what happens if I do nothing.

Best scenario, I understand the need and fill it with exactly the right choice.

Worst case, I’ve had a bit of quiet time with myself before plugging the damn thing up with whatever works before turning my music back on.

Not sure how this will play out, but I’m calling on my scrap of patience because I’ll bet the need has nothing to do with jellybeans and the fix is entirely free.

My thoughts from the laundry room. Down pillows.

acceptance choices learning life thoughts choice life random thoughts