The Spin Cycle

There are days when my life seems to fly by and others when life just seems so long. 

When my children were younger life seemed to zip right by moving through diapers and first days of school.  As they get older, I have days when life seems really long.  Soon they will be gone off to start their own lives and I have this whole other half of “my” life to live.  What will I do? 

The smart side of me knows that my children will always be in my life, but the crazy panicky side of me wonders…Am I giving the very best of myself to these little lives?  Will there be anything left? 

I have always thought it was so important to hang on to my own identity, as well as maintain my marriage, but hands down being a mother to these three children is the most important thing I will do in my lifetime.  What the hell do you do with that knowledge?

I see so many people searching for meaning in their lives, or searching for ways to spend their time or someone to share their life with.  I was married when I was 21 and I was finished having children at 28.  I find myself at a peak at the ripe old age of 35.  Don’t get me wrong, I have hobbies and a career and I adore my husband, but if being a mother is as good as it gets what will top this? 

Will there be new firsts for me, or will everything else pale in comparison.  I am not trying to say that my life is over.  My children are still quite young (14, 10 and 7), but looking forward I had such an early start out of the gate I wonder what will hold my attention and keep me guessing like these children. 

I have never been one to vicariously live through my children.  They are on loan to me and once I have helped them grow into incredible human beings they will go on to create their own lives.  I would have it no other way, but nothing will top the experience of raising them. 

I know people that fumble through their 20’s and just really start to settle down in their mid-thirties.  They have all of this to still look forward to and their “best” is just beginning.  What do you do when you reach the best it will ever get in your mid to late 40s?

Now I know some of you are saying ” You will always be a mother and that job never ends.”  I know.  My role as mother will change and there will be new firsts and challenges as I witness my children’s lives. 

But, what if Van Gough painted his most perfect masterpiece in the middle of his life?  What would he spend the rest of his time doing?  Painting things that will never quite equal the masterpiece? 

Just my thoughts.  Not meant to be depressing, but thoughts as I examine the road ahead.  That is all from the Laundry Room for tonight. 

 Peaceful Sleeping.

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