I feel like leather pants should be a controlled substance.

They need to be behind a counter or a sliding glass window, not just out in the open for everyone to wear.  I know it sounds mean and I’m sorry, well I’m not really sorry because this is factual information.  There needs to be an agency.  It could be a joint task force that also handles mini skirts.  I’m not sure.

Leather pants are a very specific clothing item.  They require careful handling and knowledge of the decision a person is about to make prior putting them on and stepping out of the house.  I know I’m a rule maker in recovery, but in this case, there need to be rules.  I have a few suggestions.

If you are a rock star or even a strung out musician that had one hit or a string of successful gigs and now you’re living above a gyro place, wear those leather pants.  Lace up the crotch, wear them too low, wear them every day and make no excuses.

If you are a supermodel, any kind of model for that matter, a ripped personal trainer, Antonio Banderas, or a beautifully sculpted gay man.  I suppose a sculpted straight man could pull it off too, but I feel that defaults to the rock star clause above.  If you are any of these people then you can wear leather pants, they need to be real leather, they need to fit well and it would be best if you wear them in the evening.  Which brings me to a few other proposed stipulations…

Leather pants should be black or brown and in very rare rock star, Sheryl Crow, situations they can have some sort of colorful business going on, but those should really be saved for the stage.

Leather pants can not have saggy knees.

Leather pants should never be worn with a pirate shirt, unless you are Jack Sparrow and in that case none of these rules apply.

Bikers, especially the guy from Sons of Anarchy, can wear leather over well worn jeans, not full leather pants.

If you can’t fill out the leather pants and they fit you more like slacks, quit.  If after you shimmy into them, there is more of you above the waistband than below, no.  If you think fake leather looks the same and you found your leather pants on sale at Target, cut it out.  If you work in an office or if you are going to work anywhere for that matter, stop it.

If you are a mom and you’re feeling a bit frumpy and you think, “Hey, I need leather pants.  Fake ones are fine.  I’ll wear them with my Christmas Reindeer sweater, my Christmas light earrings and my 1986 stretchy belt to my book club meeting at Starbucks.” Don’t do it.

I promise if you do, some obnoxious judgmental blogger will see you, she will write about you and she will not feel one moment of remorse.

My horribly superficial, non charitable thoughts from the laundry room.  Take that Off!

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