Breathable

Sometimes I can’t breathe.

It’s too much, too many, too fast and I can’t catch my breath.

Most of the time I don’t see it coming, things are going along just fine and then all at once they are not. People close to me will say that they saw it, they knew, but I must have had my head in the sand because I was happy, fine, until I wasn’t. Until I found myself gasping.

This will pass, my lungs will open up, the sky will clear and it will pass. I know because it’s happened before, but when I’m in it, when I’m not sure how many more waves I can take, I forget. That’s where the danger sits, in the forgetting.

I’ve never been to the edge of losing myself, but I can understand it. I can see how what I’m feeling taken one or two leaps forward could make a person tired. In that exhaustion they forget that soon, very soon, the sun will be out again. It’s the third to the last wave and they let go.

My life doesn’t even rate on the struggle scale, or the tragic chart. I have health and happy. I love and I am loved. I have absolutely no room, no reason to complain. Ever.

But, sometimes I can’t breathe, and then I can.

My thoughts from the laundry room. Deep Sleep.

19 thoughts on “Breathable

  1. Everyone handles pain and struggle differently. Even when you are strong you can find yourself gasping for air at your weakest points. Everyone has their own story and we all have to find what it takes to get through it. Thanks for the read.

  2. I came across this today and it reminded me very much of how I felt on grieving. At the time of my loss, I felt five types of emotions, anger, denial, depression, finally acceptance and with it also came the bargaining and when the bargaining had failed and the anger was too hard to maintain I fell into depression, I was so tired all the time, until finally i accepted that I had done everything that I could do and finally I let go and moved on into acceptance

    How do i fight these feelings off and go on living. The very worst part is that the minute that i think I am past it; it starts up all over again and always takes my breath away.

  3. I can relate 110%. Sometimes those waves just keep crashing over my head. It truly is difficult to catch ones breath before being knocked down and dragged out to sea by the next wave. Whatever it is that you are going through, you are not alone in how you feel. Hang in there!

  4. I too suffer, although in the scheme of things i have nothing to complain about, in comparison to some. But compared to others also, i have my fair share of burdens and sorrow. Hope this wave crashes soon and you come out the other end feeling refreshed and alive. X

  5. It’s nice to know there are many others out there feeling as you do even though no one really say anything about it. Thank you for sharing your feelings . You do have lots of supporters including me. I do hope it passes for you soon. . . . .

  6. I hear you sister. Amen. There were times over the past five years I felt I just couldn’t get out of bed. It’s not the individual waves that do you in; it’s the repeated bursts that keep dragging you under just as you catch your breath. Get out your surfboard and join me in riding the waves . . .

  7. “““““““““““““`I can relate and you are not alone. …………………….
    We are all subject to have some kind of attack, for no apparent reason.

    Marneymae nailed it very well.

  8. “My life doesn’t even rate on the struggle scale, or the tragic chart. I have health and happy. I love and I am loved. I have absolutely no room, no reason to complain. Ever.”

    Yeah, that’s where I’m at, too, now. But I’ve been in that other, darkest, place many times in the past & know how quickly it can emerge, and (sometimes) how long it can last.

    Chin up.

  9. I hear more & more in the world about people comparing themselves with others’ circumstances… there’ll always be someone who had it harder, or worse, or you get the idea.
    The thing is, everybody, no matter who, has an edge, a growing edge & a tender spot, no matter what.
    You know that phrase…? “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle”
    It’s true.
    Everyone is. No matter what their circumstances.
    But it’s a sort of subtle meanness to compare & discount someone’s challenge place. Because each of us has one. Or some. We probably wouldn’t be here if we didn’t have any.
    So, a deep bow to you for simply being with your own.

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