See Through

I cut all my hair off.

I don’t mean short, I mean short-short. Tiny bangs, actually no bangs.

Everything as short as it can go without the use of the clippers. I can’t do clippers.

My face is right there, no sweep of hair to hide my relentless forehead wrinkle, nothing.

It’s not like my hair was long. I cut it to “kind of short,” a couple of years ago. But I was not prepared for what trimming those last few pieces would unleash.

I’ve always been a hair hider. My hair is crazy thick and when it was long I was often told it was beautiful. Why would anyone do away with something that was the center of so many compliments?

Because it was a nightmare.

A forty-five-minutes-to-blowdry, heavy-ponytail-headache nightmare. It became bigger than me, more than my face. Even though it allowed me to hide when I didn’t exercise enough, or mask the insecurity of the week, my hair overshadowed everything.

It had to go.

So I pulled it into a ponytail one last time and with the help of Amanda, I sent it off to be made into a wig, or two or three, for people with far greater concerns than their damn hair.

I had every intention of growing it back. I’d play short pixie for a while and then grow it out again. I had to because my hair was “gorgeous,” my “best feature.”

Yeah, it will probably be Judi Dench forever now.

For one, I don’t have the patience for that odd middle Dutch Boy Paint Guy stage. I don’t like headbands. I can’t do it.

More importantly, it has been revealing. I look at myself now, actually notice the pieces that make me. I try to drink more water. I don’t skip my exercise. I take better care of my skin. Somehow removing the veil has led to taking stock and finding acceptance.

This is certainly not a “let’s all go out and cut our hair” post. I’m sure we all have things we hide behind. Some are physical; others aren’t. I have bunches of emotional armor, but that’s not easily discarded with a trip to the salon.

It took less than an hour to do away with my best feature and last week I took it further.

I’m not entirely sure what all of this means yet, and while I could simply brush it off as a haircut and “it grows back,” somehow this latest trim pops larger for me. Like it has something to do with being enough, feeling female, enjoying my passage of time. Finding a real best feature.

If I figure out anything deeper than that, I’ll let you know.

On the lighter side, I’m kind of cute after about ten minutes out of the shower. Those are precious life minutes right there.

That’s all from the laundry room. Short nap.

7 thoughts on “See Through

  1. Very short hair is very liberating. I cut mine very short right before my wedding and was very happy. And I’ve gone back and forth between long and short. Right now it’s way too long – I can relate to the hair dryer commitment! I’m sure you look great!!

  2. So, some kind of energy swirling about that is making us all want to purge and lighten. I’ve done so in my home lately–like a wild woman:). Your particular manifestation just happened to be hair. You’re just in the flow of the universe, that’s all . . .

  3. Being who we are born to be… that is when we as individuals know we have arrived’ and allowing other to be who they were born to be. Because who are we to chain ourselves of them?

    ‘My soul here is listening to Alabama shakes’ because that is where I am at’ and losing one’s hair is not a fashion statement’ it’s a it’s a moment of self awareness’ like standing and caressing your belly’ and the babe you are creating within kind of now’ moment of being’ awareness’.

    ‘When my wife’s surgeon told us that he removed the encapsulated overran tumor’ just in time before it was to rupture. He said because it was encapsulated’ her blood numbers didn’t register’ so she had to undergo chemo to make sure. She lost her hair’ everything’ although she felt quite ill’ she to be still possessed her glow’ and I found her very sexy’. I find many women with cropped hair’ very sexy. But this post is not about that’ I get it’ its self’ raw’ natural’ free spirited’ and about inner awareness. I too have such moments’ where as it took me half a century before I felt comfortable with and like my own body. And another thing of self discovery’ we as humans are always in a state of constant changing motion. Thanks for sharing.

  4. Good for you, Tracy–it always feels good to shed the hair to whatever feels good to you. Me–I’m a “wash-n-wear” type of gal and love my short curly perm that needs only a brisk towel-dry after washing and you’re set to go. I’m where convenience and comfort outvotes any style fashion or trend. As long as You feel good about yourself, that’s all that counts!

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