Goldilocks annoys the crap out of me.

First of all, you can’t stumble upon a bear’s home or anyone’s home, and let yourself in when your knock is not answered.

Who do you think you are?

This little tale has been shared with generations of children. She even gets top billing— Goldilocks and the Three Bears. It should be Three Bears and a Selfish Bitch Invader.

I’m sorry if this is someone’s favorite, but I doubt it. The whole story is messed up, and she’s rude. Like so many other things in the past, we label it a classic, and with that it becomes untouchable.

Everyone loves the story of cute little lost Goldilocks and the family of bears.

“This porridge is too hot.” So she moves on to the next bowl. Testing all three servings that are clearly set out on the table for the people, or animals, in this case, that own the house.

Spoiled and entitled, not adorable at all.

Then she sleeps in not one, but all three beds. On that note, why do Mama Bear and Papa Bear have separate beds? It wasn’t acceptable for animals to have sex back in whatever sanitized bubble this thing was written?

A better question is—What’s with the bears having beds at all?

There’s not even a lesson in this story. You know how all of these crusted over tales like to say they’re weird and creepy, but there’s a lesson.

Other than a PSA on breaking and entering, I don’t see a message.

The end gets me too. After the bears come back to their home and find out their food has been eaten, and their beds have been slept in, Goldilocks is the one who yells, “Help.”

She runs away and “never returns to the three bears’ home again.”

Why is she crying for help?

The bears are the ones who should be calling the ranger. Assuming in this piece of fiction that animals have phones too.

I think the bears should have said to hell with the porridge and ripped Goldilocks apart in that very bear way that they can when someone messes with their space.

Now there’s a lesson for little kids. If you poke around and disrespect animals, you’ll be dinner.

A much better bedtime story.

My thoughts from the laundry room. Get Out of Bed.




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9 Comments Leave a comment

  1. Love this post. As my husband said as I was reading it to him, “How can it be a crusty old tale when bears use Charmin?” He continued with “What happened to Mr. Whipple (who used to advertise Charmin)? Did he get taken out by the three bears? He obviously was treated worse than Golidlocks.”

    Breaking and entering and vandalism (I think the golden haired one destroyed chairs, too) and who knows what other crimes she committed. You are right; she is not a nice girl. Lock her up! ~nan

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