Grape Jelly Stain

You know those scenes in some movies where they speed everything up and the sun rises and sets and the cars race by and the people look like little ants?  The ones where they’re showing the passage of time?

Sometimes I feel like I’m in one of those scenes.  I try to slow it down and view things at a normal speed, but often the damn thing is in fast forward.

I can’t remember the last time I was waiting around for a date or a week to go by. Maybe I was 18 the last time I sat and waited for time to move along.

There are all sorts of things a person can do to “connect” or be in the “now” in life. Meditation, yoga and the list goes on.  I want be in the now.

I don’t enjoy thinking about three hundred other things while my daughter is on stage at her Spring Show.  I want to soak life up and be present at every little detail, but it just doesn’t happen.

Maybe I had too many children, maybe I shouldn’t have gotten married, or I should have stopped at each juncture and made a rational decision…weighed the pros and cons and decided if I could take on a husband or a job or another child.  Did I ever really make those decisions?  Hell, I don’t remember.

I remember falling in love, wanting to be with one man, having fun, feeling free and then we wanted more.

We wanted children and a house and things to put in the house, we didn’t want our daughter to be an only, so we had another child and then another.  I know I was there for all of those things, but I don’t think they were actual decisions, I think it was sort of like…going down The Grapevine in California.

Steep and windy and you need to alter course and keep it steady.  It’s a thrill and fun and scary, but you don’t really slam on the breaks.  There aren’t conscious decisions or stops and turns.  It’s a flow…you’ve decided to move with this person and you pick lanes, pass cars and maybe you slow down, but the flow keeps going.  It feels like it has to and you keep going.

Our oldest daughter is graduating from high school next month.  She’ll be in college by August.  We have two other children so we’re still on The Grapevine, but it feels different…like we’ve reached a certain destination or the bottom of one hill.  Not sure what to do with that.

My thoughts from the laundry room.  Time for a Power Nap.

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