String Bikini

Summer sucks for white girls.

Maybe not all white girls, but for this white girl Summer is a reminder that I don’t belong at the lake tubing or some beach volleyball game.  Maybe I have a few unresolved issues from high school, but I’m never going to be tan, cocoa oiled, and I’m tired of Summer reminding me.  She’s a bikini wearing, in the sun all day, jumping off a dock, lemonade drinking pain in the ass.

She’s everywhere.  Magazines, websites, catalogues, she’s all over the place with her short shorts, long sun bleached hair and tan mile long legs.  She smites girls like me that are simply trying to enjoy a farmer’s market.

We know she’s there.  We wear a hat and sheer long sleeves.  So, I forgot my sunscreen for one measly day.  She has to come along and sear me with a farmer’s tan in under thirty minutes?  I will now have this unsightly lobster V for weeks.  The extra freckles weren’t enough?

She might as well tell everyone I’m a pale ginger and I’m not allowed in her club.  Bitch.

The other seasons love me.  I’m not milk toast in their world, I’m porcelain.  That’s right.

Live it up now, Summer, because winter’s coming and while I’m in my super cute jeans and boots, I hope your stupid bellybutton ring gets caught on all that scratchy wool.

That’s all from the laundry room.  Up with the Sun.


33 thoughts on “String Bikini

  1. Me too! Pasty white girl that burns in five seconds flat! I didn’t used to. I used to freckle all cute when I was little, but now.. peeling skin and greasy hair. Wonderful. Youth is wasted on the young.

  2. One time (and the last time) in high school I thought I’d try to join the tan girl club by using a tanning creme. This was way before the highly evolved ones now. So the night before i slathered it on and woke up to what I thought was a toasty tan. I wore shorts and just thought i was all IT. Guys were pointing at me! They notice my hot tan! The tan girls were smirking so they were jealous, right? In reality I was that bodybuilder orange that I only realized as i got under fluorescent lights. Horrible.

  3. If one more person tells me that SPF over 30 doesn’t count, they’re getting my porcelain fist in their teeth. Look, aassholes. Here’s how SPF works: that number is a rough multiplier for the time you’re able to stay out in the sun without burning. So sure, by the time your 30×30 minutes is up, your sunscreen has worn off and having 50×30 minutes won’t do you any more good. But leave me my 100 goddamn seconds of glorious sunshine in a row before I have to go inside. PS, yes I burn through cloud cover, why?

    1. Oh, God so true. I look at those bottles of sunscreen like a parking meter. Tells me how long I get to play. I’ve tried to explain to people and…yeah, I just gave up. Don’t even get me started on cloud cover, or skiing. I can’t even see the sun, or there’s damn snow on the ground. The reflection of the sun is now a problem? Sigh…thanks for reading and relating.

  4. I happen to love summer, BUT I loved this point of view and your humor!!! My daughter, while not a ginger, is a freckly, porcelain girl herself. She will appreciate her gorgeous skin that we slathered later in her adulthood!

  5. Hee-hee! Loved it! Although in Minnesota, we do enjoy summer when it rolls around, it can get awfully uncomfortable when the humidity gets going, so I have to say that it really is not my favorite season, either. I’d much prefer a beautiful autumn day any time. And I have to stay out of the sun, too, so I get what you’re saying. Great post!

  6. lol this was great. I have a love hate relationship with the season. In the northeast we FROZE this year. Literally they warned us not to leave the house for too long because it was so cold. If I can type outside, I’m a happy camper. 🙂

  7. I love summer. There, I said it. It’s been a tough season here in the northeast and I just want to be in the sun. Give me a few months with her, then I’ll be ready for fall….

    1. Hahaha. You are not alone. She’s a favorite in our house too. I can certainly understand why she’s welcomed after your weather. Just keep her away from me. I’m still laughing at the “There, I said it.” Thanks for reading and the laugh.

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